Stupidity of the Rebellion
by Lady Nogitsune
Summary: Because if you have a masochist, a narcissist and a lovable megalomaniac, it would be a crime not to make fun of them. - A series of crackish oneshots revolving around Lelouch, Suzaku and Clovis. May contain gen, shounen-ai and large quantities of cake.
1. Macbeth Could Have Told You

_A happy belated birthday, Lelouch! I promise not to make Suzaku and Clovis suffer any less than you! Or at least, I'll try my best._

With this, I once and for all give up the fight against the random crack!plot bunnies. From this day forward, I shall serve them, treasure them and curse them to the World of C.

And if that still does not appease them, I shall tell Lelouch that they bit Nunnally in the nose and laugh at the result like the evil fangirl I am.

In the first oneshot of this collection, **beware of**... well, actually, just make sure that if your name is Lelouch and you want to commit regicide, you do it right. Or better yet - learn from Macbeth and don't do it at all, as I rather like the royal would-be victim in question (hint, hint!_ ...What do you mean, painfully obvious?_), but I guess that'd be too much to ask.

Enjoy!

* * *

**Macbeth Could Have Told You**

.

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„So you really don't know anything..." Lelouch deactivated his Geass.

The moment he did, Clovis flinched back from the gun still aimed at his head. "I swear it wasn't me!" he exclaimed, his voice panicked, his hands coming up as though they would be able to protect him from the force of the bullet. "I had nothing to do with it!"

"I know," Lelouch acknowledged, lowering the weapon. His half-brother's arms slowly followed the movement; but before the relief could start to sink in, Lelouch stepped forwards. "However..."

"S-stop it! We may not share the same mother, but I am still your brother!"

The gun was now pointing right between Clovis' eyes. "The world can not be changed by pretty words alone," Lelouch declared.

And with that, he pulled the trigger.

_Click_.

_Click_. _Click_. _Click_.

_Click_. _Click_. _Click_. _Click_. _Click_. _Click_.

Clovis' arms slowly came down again. The Princes stared at each other.

It was so quiet they could almost hear each other's heartbeat.

.

All the atmosphere was ruined when Clovis broke into laughter.

Lelouch continued to stare, unable to process what had just happened.

"C-can't breathe," Clovis eventually managed, after about fifteen minutes. "O-oh God, this is just too much."

Lelouch was still staring, gun frozen in place.

"D-don't tell me-," Clovis began, just to be cut off by another fit of laughter. "_Please_ don't tell me this is really what it looks like." The fact that Lelouch just kept staring was answer enough. "O-oh God, this must be... the most _anticlimactic_... you _forgot the bullets_?"

That snapped Lelouch out of his trance. "I took this gun from a soldier on active duty! How should I know-"

"A soldier on active duty under _my_ command," Clovis interrupted him, and he looked as if the only thing keeping him from slapping his knees was the thought of how undignified that would appear. Not that he was the epitome of composure as it was. "The only reason they can be called security is that there are so many of them that at least _some_ are bound to get it right when it matters. I-I can't believe you forgot to check..."

"_Do_ me a favour and suffocate!"

"Oh God, little brother, who would have though you'd become so hilariously imprudent when on a vengeance fueled power trip! That's-"

"Shut up!" Lelouch cut him off, and if his tone of voice wasn't enough to make the man in front of him heed the order, the suddenly red glowing eye certainly was. Clovis, having spent quite some time researching the subject, recognized Geass for what it was. At the very least, he knew he was facing a powerful weapon. The last remainders of his amusement evaporated when his brother opened his mouth, "I, Lelouch vi Britannia, command you... die!"

Silence.

Then, Clovis once more burst out laughing.

"Why...," Lelouch began, his voice barely a murmur. "Does this mean... it only works once on a person?"

"God, you're _killing me_," Clovis gasped. "Need air..."

"Shut up!" Lelouch snapped, throwing away the gun. "It's only the two of us! I can still-"

That only pushed Clovis further over the edge. Which, really, shouldn't have been humanly possible. "What? Strangle me with your bare hands? You used to be glad when you managed to keep up with Euphie, and she wore the most impractical dresses! Don't tell me you've been making an effort to become less than hopeless in the physical department of things since then – I don't think I'd be able to take it."

Lelouch clenched his fists. Twenty-five possible courses of action flashed through his mind, but none with a favourable outcome. His own trap had closed in on him.

"All right," Clovis finally said, his amusement still evident, but more controlled. "I'm over it, I think. For now. I'm sure the shock caused by a near-death experience will come back to haunt me later on, but at the moment, I'm as sane as I've ever been. Wait, that's not really reassuring, is it? Oh well." He shrugged and got up.

Lelouch couldn't help taking a step backwards when his brother reached for him.

And neither did he manage to keep himself from staring, _again_, when Clovis ruffled his hair. "I knew there was a reason I've been missing you so much! You may not be good for my blood-pressure, and I'm sure you've cut my life short by at least a decade just in the last half an hour or so that you've been back, but compared to the prospect of life-long boredom I'd been facing before your miraculous return, that's really nothing."

He regarded the boy appraisingly. "Oh my, you've grown – and you still look a lot cuter than you really are! Are you popular with the girls? You must be! And I take it Nunnally is also well? Yes? That's lovely! You really don't want to come back to Britannia? Ah, please stop with that murderous glare, it's somewhat unsettling. ...Well, not much better, but you take what you can get. Now, I suggest we forget about this fratricide thing – it's terribly unbecoming - and discuss the matter like grown men. See, that 'the world can not be changed by pretty words alone' line of yours doesn't sound too bad, but I have some issues with your interpretation of it. Your mother used to say 'do not shoot your relatives in the head'. Well, actually, it was 'stop trying to stab your brother with the silverware', but the message is the same. Therefore-"

Lelouch really wished he hadn't thrown away that gun. Maybe, just maybe, he would have been able to knock himself out with it before his brother noticed anything was off.

The way it was, he could only suffer in silence - and contemplate the question that had occupied many nobles before him:

Did Clovis _ever_ shut up?

.

.

**End  
**

* * *

As the summary implied, this is a collection of extremely random oneshots. Most will be either gen or shounen-ai, but there may also be het. Generally, keep your eyes open for warnings at the beginning of each chapter!

The focus, however, lies not on the very possible pairings, but _crack_. Crack is what all these fics have in common, and crack is what makes me write this. Some chapters will only consist of a few lines, and some will be completely and utterly stupid - in a good way, I hope, but you never know. Don't expect anything overly witty, as this kind of thing _is_ what I write when I need a break. Lean back, enjoy, and, if you have the time, tell me if I managed to amuse you.

It will make me grin!


	2. Alas the Pretty Villain

If the first oneshot was a belated birthday gift to Lelouch, this is a belated Christmas gift to the person who inspired it. She's also the person who usually gets send everything I write before it's even half-finished, reads it pretty much immediately and prevents me from obsessing too much over stuff that doesn't need obsessing while listening to my often very vague ramblings about one project or another.

_You know I love you, awesome wife-soulmate!_

Let me also mention that I'm exceedingly happy that _Macbeth Could Have Told You_ was so well received, and that the following fic, which is basically about why certain people were never supposed to stick around for Zero Requiem, is furthermore dedicated to anyone who likes making very random fun of stereotypes._  
_

**B****eware of**: references to **yaoi** (mostly **LelouchxSuzaku**), characters being **crude** and the resulting bad language, and lots and lots of randomness!

Enjoy!

* * *

**Alas The Pretty Villain  
**

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.**  
**

Being an evil overlord, Lelouch decided, had its perks.

You could not just take an ordinary stroll through the park without being gaped at, true, and the food supply was always a bit of an issue with C.C. insisting that the royal cuisine knew as much about producing satisfactory pizza as Lloyd Asplund knew about general social conventions; especially seeing how the delivery service tended to just hang up whenever he told them his name _-_ sometimes not before giving him an extensive lecture about how prank calls cost hard-working people time and money and can land you in prison.

But you could decree all kinds of ridiculous things as King of the World and no sane person would dare to object, giving you the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get back at all your much despised relatives. Making Guinevere clean the toilets had been the least of it.

Lelouch smirked. Oh yes, he thought. Being an evil overlord had its perks indeed.

Then he picked up the folder on the table in front of him.

.

The smirk died. The self-satisfaction evaporated.

He turned the page. Had he been religious, his faith would have been lost forever.

He stared.

"Oh, so you found it."

He kept staring.

"C.C.," he said eventually.

"I see you've read it already."

"What," Lelouch started, slowly, hesitantly - as if afraid the answer would destroy what little hope he still held for humanity, "is this?"

"Porn." She said it as if it was completely normal. As if you should expect to suddenly find something like that at your working place.

"I can see _that_," Lelouch said. "But why is it... why is it..."

"Here?" C.C. asked casually. "Written entirely in pink? About you?"

"The last one." Lelouch tried to force the horror out of his voice, which left him sounding slightly strangled.

"It's customary for bored women of noble birth to write erotic stories. Did you never wonder what those girls glancing up at you from their papers and blushing violently were doing?"

"No." He'd just assumed they were writing into their diaries, or doing homework or... doing anything but _this_. Why would he pay them any mind?

More importantly, when had C.C. observed his female classmates – his female classmates observing _him_?

"These stories weren't written when I was still at Ashford."

"So? Before, you were popular. Now you're a celebrity." _Do the math._

"But I'm an evil Emperor tormenting the people!"

"And?"

"_And?_"

"These are hormonal teenage girls we're talking about. They might hate you, they might want to kill you, but that doesn't mean they don't want to fuck you." Her tone changed slightly. "Or watch you get fucked."

"Lelouch, have you seen my--"

"Which brings me to the next issue. I'm an evil Emperor who has taken over the world. Why is it that in every single one of these stories, Suzaku tops!"

"--pile of very intriguing reading material. That answers my question."

"I wondered when he would show up," C.C. commented idly.

Lelouch looked from his immortal accomplice to the person standing in the doorway. "Tell me _you're not serious!_"

Clovis smiled at him. "Who else do you think could get all those beautiful ladies to share their writing?"

There was a reason Lelouch wanted his siblings to burn in Hell.

Executing them, however, would be slightly over the top, and to his never ending chagrin, Lelouch had already used his Geass on the most obnoxious of them all. Of course, no sane person would disregard his orders either way, but if there was one thing his family was not, it was psychologically stable. He had _tried_ making Clovis help Guinevere clean the toilets.

The following morning, he had woken up to find that someone had redecorated the throne room. The pictures had been very authentic... except that Lelouch would never be found nude anywhere near Odysseus.

"I should have you thrown into the darkest dungeon and leave you there to rot."

"A shame that kind of thing came out of fashion years ago. You could always put me with those other prisoners, though. It's been a while since I got to share childhood stories about you. Oh, do you remember when Cornelia thought you wanted to wear a dress and explained to you, in great detail, why such a thing is not appropriate? My, the reasons she came up with! It was quite impressive, even though you were probably so busy dying of mortification that you didn't hear a word."

Lelouch's lips parted in the beginning of a reply, but C.C. beat him to it.

"It's because you're pretty."

He turned to her. "_What?_"

"You look like a girl, walk like a girl and cook like a girl. It is therefore logical to assume that you are the girl in the relationship."

"Isn't the whole _point_ of a relationship between two males that there is no girl?" He paused. "And you can see where you get your pizza from in the future."

"The truth hurts." C.C. didn't sound concerned. "Of course, Suzaku is half a year younger, and you're about a centimeter taller, which would normally put him at a disadvantage, but..." She shrugged. "You're just too girly."

"I'm _too girly_? Suzaku is a God damn masochist!"

"True," C.C. said. "But that doesn't matter. He's not pretty."

"He has a nice ass, though."

Lelouch stared at Clovis. His brother smiled.

Lelouch decided to pretend he hadn't really said that.

"Are you saying you think I would be--" he waved around the documents in his hands, unable to get out the words--, "_like this_ in a relationship with Suzaku?"

C.C. and Clovis looked at each other.

"Yes," they chorused.

Lelouch stared at them. He opened his mouth to make a retort, but then he simply forced it shut again and stormed past the two, folder still in hand.

.

The moment the door slammed closed behind him, Clovis burst out laughing.

"Will you ever tell him we already know?" he asked when he had finally regained his composure.

"No. They think they're being subtle."

Clovis nodded. "It'd be like kicking a puppy. Oh well. At least Kururugi will get to penetrate him _once_."

"They switch sometimes."

"After this? Kururugi can be glad if he gets a break in the next, oh, I don't know. Two weeks?"

"Lelouch doesn't have the stamina," C.C. noted.

"No. But the stubbornness to make up for it."

"They'll probably get creative again."

"I'm warning the maids."

"Bring back pizza."

Clovis rolled his eyes. "As my lady commands."

For all that Clovis and C.C. had gotten off on the wrong foot, once smut and pizza had entered the equation, a beautiful relationship had been formed.

.

.

**End  
**

* * *

One day, I will stop having Clovis make random comments about Suzaku's behind.

Until then, I'm going to have lots of fun.

.

...I told you it was random!


	3. The Pains of Sleeping Beauty

Finally - successfully killed the Evil Exams of Doom (or at least, they didn't kill _me_)! Even if there's one more round to go, I can't believe I have my freedom back for now.

And what better way to celebrate than by posting some random _crack_?

**Beware of**: the scariness that is **Marianne** (yes, this takes place prior to her death, ...although bringing her into a random crackfic as a ghost is an interesting idea, now that I think about it), the possibilitity of never being able to read certain fairy tales **quite the same way again**, and... uh, mentions of things that might be **slightly disturbing** to people with a vivid imagination? No pairings this time, except if you count truly canon ones and... well, fairy tales.

Enjoy!

* * *

**The Pains of Sleeping Beauty**

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.

Clovis had known it would be a horrible day the moment he had woken up.

It could have been that vague, inexplainable feeling in his gut that had immediately cautioned him to roll onto the other side and go back to sleep. It might have had something to do with his horoscope, which had instructed him not to leave his room under any circumstances until long after sunset.

Most likely, it was because Lady Marianne was not supposed to be standing in his bedroom in the middle of the night, watching him with a curious, unblinking gaze, her face so close to his that if he had sat up in shock upon opening his eyes and seeing her there, he would almost certainly have found himself with a very painful headache.

It was a good thing, then, that he only screamed like a girl - high-pitched voice and all.

If a traumatic experience such as this is not enough to warrant an unshakable belief in impending doom, then being asked by a much too cheerful Empress to _read fairy tales to her currently bedridden son_ certainly is.

Unlike his mother, Lelouch was not a morning person. More importantly, Clovis was pretty damn sure he wasn't a fairy tale person, either.

The brat was insufferable as it was.

If at least it had been the flu – then Clovis could always have hoped the fever would knock the boy out sooner or later. But it turned out that Lady Marianne's definition of "bedridden" was a very loose one, and Lelouch's health issues didn't go beyond a light cold and trouble sleeping due to a blocked nose. That would just be enough to make him cranky.

Clovis had no idea what had possessed him to spend the night at Aries' Imperial Villa – the place was cursed, it had to be.

Still, he agreed to Lady Marianne's request quickly enough – after all, anything else would have been impolite. That, and no person fond of their life would ever risk displeasing Marianne the Flash, especially if she had broken into their bedroom at an ungodly hour and _watched them sleep_.

And so, Hell began.

.

"Long, long ago, there lived a King and a Queen who said every day, 'Ah, if only we had a child'-"

"Why did they say it every day?"

"Because they were so sad that-"

"That's stupid. It's not like you get children by _talking_ about them. They should have used the time to actually _do_ something about it."

"Like?"

When his little brother gave him a _look_, Clovis knew that what Lelouch had been reading in his free-time _really_ weren't fairy tales.

He coughed. "Back then people didn't always know about these things. So let's just suppose they are a young, newly wed couple with no idea what to do about their little problem, all right?"

"They could ask someone," Lelouch told him, in a tone as if _he_ was the one who had missed out on the lesson on the birds and the bees.

"All of their relatives are dead," Clovis decided after a few seconds. Lelouch raised his brows. "And they are too proud to ask anyone else. Better?"

"...I suppose."

"Good! Now...," he said and began anew. "Long, long ago, there lived a young, proud royal couple whose relatives were all dead. Every day, they said, 'Ah, if only we had a child', but they never had one."

"They _really_ must have been slow."

Clovis ignored the comment. "However, it so happened that once when the Queen was bathing, a frog crept out of the water onto the land-"

"Just where did that Queen bath?"

"-and said to her, 'Your wish shall be fulfilled: before a year has gone by, you shall have a daughter'."

"...And what exactly did that frog _do_ down there in the water?"

"Do you want to know what I had for breakfast? No? Then please refrain from awakening its desire to see the light of day once more."

"Likewise! What kind of disgusting book is that?"

"The problem lies not with the book. It's a completely harmless, normal-"

"Maybe _you_ think it's normal for women to reproduce with talking frogs – I'm sure your mother told you _all_ about it -, but _I_ don't want to hear about it."

"I'm sure there's a law somewhere against calling the Emperor a frog."

"I was not talking about the Emperor."

"I know. It's much more amusing a thought, though."

"Not really."

"That's because your sense of humour is twisted as a pretzel."

"Like you're one to talk. And why can't I read that book myself?"

"Because that's not how it works. Children need love and care and all the attention in the-... all right, I'm scared of your mother."

"You're pathetic."

"And you're not cute at all. Why can't you be more like Nunnally?"

"Why can't you be more like an intelligent human being?"

"Brat."

"Caitiff."

"Smart-ass."

"Imbecile."

"Cake!"

"...What?"

"Do you want the dictionary definition or will a drawing suffice?"

Lelouch gave him a strange look. "Are you saying you are carrying one around?"

"Please – a talented artist can improvise."

"I was talking about the dictionary."

"As I said, a talented artist can improvise."

"...Just finish that damn story."

"What, not 'just shut up so that I can at least sleep'? Aw, little Lelouch is trying be a good boy and listen to his mommy!"

Lelouch sniffed. "At least I'm not a paranoid idiot who makes her sound like some crazy stalker. Besides, she can tell when I'm lying – so just skip to the end so that I can say I've listened to it."

"All right, all right. Let's see... 'There she lay, so beautiful that he could not turn his eyes away, and he stooped down and gave her a kiss'."

"So they finally got it?"

"Actually, they already did that quite some time ago at this point. Have you never read 'Sleeping Beauty'?

Lelouch wrinkled his nose. "No."

"But it's a classic!"

"It's for _girls_."

"Actually, I found it quite an enjoyable read."

"As I said: it's for girls."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Never mind. Just hurry up and finish."

"Stop giving me orders!"

"And there are the hysterics – yes, definitely a girl."

"And stop being sexist!"

Lelouch nodded thoughtfully. "A feminist... I see."

"Nunnally is a girl, too, you know."

"Don't group yourself with my sister."

"I was not-... Ugh! 'And they lived contented to the end of their days'. There! If you'd excuse me-"

"You should learn to accept yourself – a girly idiot is still an idiot."

"Who are you, my annoying smart-ass therapist from Hell?"

"It might be the hormones..."

"I will _so_ talk to your mother about the kind of stuff you are reading."

.

Looking back, Clovis really wished he hadn't.

...Because having Marianne the Flash talk to you about acknowledging your feminine side is not funny at all. When she got to the "relishing your enemies' screams of agony, enjoying the delicious sight of their splashing blood" part, Clovis vowed to make Lelouch pay.

Dearly.

.

.

**End**

* * *

Why does writing little!Lelouch being crackily sexist feel so... right?

Anyway, thought it was Clovis' time to suffer... errr... shine. And since Lelouch is still busy _setting some things right_ after the last chapter, his younger self volunteered instead.

Hope you had fun!


	4. The Princess, the Madman and the Peas

Yes, you're seeing right: I'm still alive! I could make excuses for my long absence now, but I think I'll leave that for my profile, if anything. I apologize to everyone whose reviews I didn't reply to, though. Doing so months later would feel kind of awkward, but I really appreciate the feedback nonetheless and will try harder to keep up from now on.

To celebrate my resolve to not pull any disappearing acts again, have a random oneshot! This time, **beware of:** ...well, actually, nothing too horrible in this one except for **randomness at the expense of fairy tales** - again.

As for the question of pairings, it's getting slashy once more (yes, the **LelouchxSuzaku** kind of slashy!), albeit with fewer references to bedroom activities this time. If you squint, though...

* * *

**The Princess, the Madman and the Peas**

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.

"What's wrong with him?" Suzaku was eyeing Lelouch warily.

"Wrong?" C.C. took another piece of the pizza in front of her, unconcerned.

"You're not telling me this seems _normal_ to you, are you?"

C.C. shrugged. "He's going to die in a few weeks. We should let him have his fun."

"I know, but..." He glanced at Lelouch again, who was currently giving out his orders to Jeremiah.

"And therefore," Lelouch was saying in a grave voice and with a dramatic gesture of his left hand, "you must find a Real Princess so that I can marry her, and together we shall rule this world!"

Jeremiah looked no less unsettled by the mad cackling that followed this declaration than Suzaku felt. "Forgive me, your Majesty," the man began carefully, "but may I remind you that you were planning to execute Zero Requiem in a month's time?"

"So?"

"...Nothing, your Majesty. Forget I said anything."

"It is regrettable that monarchies are in the decline and that the Chinese Empress is still so young, but we will have to deal with this crisis swiftly. Set out to an all-girls boarding school immediately and place peas under every single bed you find there, regardless of whether it belongs to a student or teacher! Whoever looks like they haven't slept all night the next day shall become my wife!"

"What if it's a male teacher?"

"It does not matter. I shall find myself a Real Princess, and if it's the last thing I do before getting stabbed by my best friend!"

"What if they stayed up all night for other reasons?"

"In that case, I shall-" Lelouch began confidently, but then paused. "In that case, I shall hire them as a guard!"

"That's kind of random," Clovis piped in. He put the freshly finished painting aside and turned his attention to the conversation completely.

"Well," Suzaku spoke up, swallowing nervously when everyone turned their eyes on him expectantly. "Why... uh... don't you marry C.C.? I mean, she's here already, isn't she?"

Jeremiah nodded in agreement. Clovis made a face. Lelouch looked at his friend like he had lost it. C.C. dropped a hot piece of pizza into the Knight of Zero's lap.

Suzaku jumped.

"I can see you are quite taken with the idea," Lelouch said, watching him hop around the throne room in pain as if he was performing some fascinating kind of rain dance, "but may I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Have you hit your head recently? How can you even _think_ I would accept C.C. as a Real Princess? C.C., of all people! She even eats her _pizza_ like nothing is wrong although I ordered it with peas!"

Suzaku blinked. "You did what?"

C.C. continued to munch happily.

"I knew it was a bad sign when after looking through Lady Marianne's book collection, he started growing vegetables inside his room," Clovis noted.

"This is so stra-" Suzaku started to say, but broke off abruptly when he made contact with the chair he had been about to sit down on. "Ouch! What's..." He looked up, and was not happy with the way Lelouch's face had lit up in delight.

"You noticed the peas?" his friend asked. His barely hidden excitement should have reminded Suzaku of a child on Christmas Eve, but somehow, it made his friend seem more like a trigger-happy megalomaniac who had just been told that yes, he _was_ allowed to blow up the planet.

"You put _peas_ in my underwear?"

But Lelouch wasn't listening. He had turned to Jeremiah again. "Forget what I just told you," he said. "Send out invitations and prepare for the wedding, for I have have found my Real Princess, and together we shall rule this world!" Again with the mad cackling.

"I'm not going to marry someone who laughs like that!" The cackling stopped.

Clovis turned to Suzaku. "Did you just agree to marry my brother as long as he stops making his power fetish so terribly obvious?"

Suzaku stared at him. "What? No, I didn't mea-"

"Wonderful. Do not fear, there will be no peas at our wedding!"

"What about the wedding _night_?" Clovis inquired.

"Will there be pizza?" C.C. asked at the same time.

"Am I the only sane person left here?" Suzaku yelled. "I can't marry you! I'm going to kill you!"

Lelouch looked at him blankly. "So?"

"People kill their spouses all the time," C.C. pointed out.

"That's different!"

"How?"

"It... it just _is_!"

"That's not a logical argument," Lelouch said. "In fact, it's no argument at all. Suzaku, are you nervous about the wedding dress? I thought you liked putting on women's clothing."

"Well, yes, but-"

"Wait, wait, wait," Clovis interrupted, looking at Suzaku as if he was seeing him for the first time. "You have a cross-dressing fetish?"

Suzaku blushed faintly. "No one said anything about a fetish! God, is everyone here-"

"It's the wedding cake."

Everyone turned to C.C. in confusion. "What?" they chorused.

"Due to the usual height and sweetness of wedding cakes, they remind him of his childhood trauma," she explained in a deadpan. "They make him feel like Japan is about to be invaded."

"That doesn't even make _sense_!"

But no one was listening to him.

"Is that true, Suzaku?" Lelouch asked, getting up from his throne and walking over to them in order to put a comforting hand on Suzaku's shoulder. "Do not worry, Princess. I shall make sure there will be neither cakes nor peas nor cakes with peas in them at our wedding."

Suzaku buried his face in his hands.

"That's so sweet," Clovis commented. He then started filing his nails.

"So you're going to marry him?" C.C. asked, turning to Suzaku.

He glanced up. Lelouch was looking at him hopefully.

Suzaku brought his hands to his face again. "Whatever," he finally said. He was willing to do anything at this point if it meant stopping this madness!

"Perfect!" Lelouch declared. "You will not regret it. No longer shall those horrible peas be allowed to walk this earth as they please!" Suzaku did not bother to point out that peas do not walk.

"Congratulations, your Majesty," Jeremiah said.

When the wedding took place not even a week later – Suzaku disguised so perfectly by Clovis and a pizza-bribed C.C. that no one would ever recognize him -, there were indeed neither cakes nor peas present, and the same was true for the wedding night. For several days, Lelouch was happy ruling the world together with his Real Princess, and Suzaku was equally happy that his friend-turned-husband made an effort to restrict the mad fits of laughter and insane remarks to a bare minimum around him. However, when Lelouch placed the peas he had put into Suzaku's undergarments that day in the Royal Museum during a grand celebration, Zero Requiem almost happened several weeks too early. Lelouch divorced Suzaku on the very same day, regretfully telling him that he could not allow his carefully laid plans to go to waste.

As Clovis mumbled something about control fetishes winning over power fetishes, Suzaku could not believe it had been _Lelouch_ who had ended their relationship.

.

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**End**

* * *

Since both Lelouch and Clovis got to have their fun, I thought Suzaku deserved some tormen-... _spotlight_, too.

I know, I know, it's sad when _Lelouch_ starts talking about walking peas, but he's snapped and makes Suzaku look sane and, in some ways, much more logical in comparison, so that's my excuse. (Purely speaking of this oneshot, of course - I wouldn't want to judge their sanity or lack thereof in canon. My head would explode trying to pick a winner.)

Hope you enjoyed the crackiness!


End file.
